As I type this first blog post in almost two years, I'm noticing how strange it seems to be back. I didn't expect that! It's like time has dissolved and I'm sitting at my kitchen table, kids home from school, trying to plan dinner, and get in as much writing as I can before the late afternoon/evening rush starts, just like I did before the divorce and the full-time job cast my writing fancies to the very bottom of my to-do list. Truthfully, they didn't even make the list most of the time.
Lately, though, my fingers have been itching to dance across the keyboard again. There are few things I like better than to feel and hear my hands typing out my thoughts onto the screen in front of me. There's something comforting about it. And, I can't deny how therapeutic it is. My mind can whirl so fast sometimes, its a wonder I don't spin away into the clouds. Writing calms the craziness right down.
I kept a personal journal for much of that time. A writer has got to write, after all. I made some lengthy entries in that thing, too. Good thing there's no max word count in Microsoft Word. I was truly feeling the need to keep things very personal and close to me in that time period as I processed all the changes in my life. In fact, I even made this blog private and locked it down so it wouldn't show up in search engines and only I could view it. Not that I did. I was moving on from my previous life and just wanted to put everything behind me.
The changes were monumental. As I said, I got divorced. One of the reasons I didn't want to blog through that is because I wanted to protect the kids. I had so much anger and resentment toward my ex that I spewed all over the pages of my private journal. I didn't want any of it to creep into my public writing for the kids to view at any point in their lives. I still have a lot of anger and resentment, but it's simmered down to a point now where I can keep it from bleeding out all over the keyboard.
One thing I learned (among many) is that when you are going through a difficult life change, like a divorce, you don't have to explain yourself or your reasons to anyone unless you want to. People just don't understand each other's personal stories. It's easy to get defensive about your choices when people throw things at you about trying counseling (we did), just learning to let things go (I had for 15 years - it wasn't working for me anymore), or staying together for the kids (it's actually not good for kids to grow up in a house with miserable parents). So, I withdrew and only talked about it with a few, close friends and family.
When I look back over that time, I can't believe how far we've come. Not just me, but the kids, too! They are so much happier. Both of their parents are happier and it shows in them. My house is actually pretty close to being clutter free and I finally have relief from all the anxiety the clutter caused me. It's almost comical that I had this whole blog about cleaning up the clutter and, truthfully, it wasn't even my clutter. I was trying to manage someone else's mess and it took a serious toll on me.
It's great to be back. I may stick around for awhile or I may make a fresh start on a new blog. Either way, I've got to keep writing.